New Year, New Start, Same me.
So, 2018 was weird for me. Felt like I was working constantly but seeing zero progress. I finished the year run down, in frequent tears, lacking motivation and inspiration. 2019 filled me with anxiety and dread. Just a few days in this is no longer the case. Dread has been booted out by mild apprehension and tenuous optimism. Hey now, any improvement is a step in the right direction.
Just how did this cosmic shift occur I hear no-one ask? Well, LET ME TELL YOU.
Honestly? I am very much an ideas person but can come across as being full of shit. Queen of chatting ‘bout my grand plans but less so following through… It’s not for the want of trying. I put in the effort but lack focus. This leads to sporadic and unpredictable progress which leads to a loss of enthusiasm, sad times and inevitably me eating my weight in bread and/or chocolate (and cheese, honestly my go-to comfort food). It’s a curse that a lot of creatives suffer with (not the cheese, the disorganisation).
For Christmas my boyfriend got me a copy of the ‘Makers Yearbook’. I simultaneously burst out laughing and into tears the second I saw the packaging. I had been reading up about it a few weeks earlier and was hoping that at some point in 2019 I would make enough money to buy it. The way cash flow has been the chances were slim so this was a massive boon. Not just gift but the meaning behind it. This was him saying ‘keep going’ and ‘I support you’ … Which he literally does. At present he pays the rent, the bills and buys the food. This stresses me out no end. I sometimes make enough to buy a shopping a couple of weeks in a row. This lack of consistent contribution, just spiralled me deeper into the hole of making shit for my business rather than making my business work. Thinking if I make it, they will come, right? WRONG.
In the days since I have done more work planning my business than I have in the last 3 years since I originally quit my full time job. The first step? Review the previous year. Gotta know where you’ve been before you know where you’re headed.
Looking back, I achieved more than I realised. I took part in two exhibitions, completed more pieces than any previous year, learned a new skill, attended my first pop-up and achieved my first published credit… Killiiiing it. Sort of. There is a lot to be proud of here but also to learn.
Most of this shit happened towards the beginning of the year and around the same time. I was so busy that I had no choice than to plan my daily tasks, get up early, stay up late and put my all in to get it done. Organisers were depending on me… Always have found it easier to go all out for other people than for myself. I was working part-time back then and knew there was no time to waste once I finished a shift… It was great! It was manic! It led to burnout…T^T
Burnout left me frazzled. Any good habits I picked up were lost, forgotten or abandoned. I plodded on aimlessly for the rest of the year. Working hard but not smart. Creating high level plans but no means to follow through. Starting more and finishing less… This lead to frustration, guilt and shame. Working solely on this stuff my self-worth gets very tied up in it and when it fails, my self-esteem plummets.
Urgh. Self awareness sucks but I needed to acknowledge this. The makers yearbook guided the analysis but I did the work. It asks the right questions knowing that when you draw conclusions for yourself it makes them more impactful. We’re often guilty of knowing better, knowing what we should be doing but for whatever reason - laziness, fear of failure, incompetence - avoiding it.
I am accountable. There is power in knowing that and tbh, that power is terrifying *sobs* hah. My bf always said ‘structure is freedom’ to which I was always pffftttt, nuh uh, I’m an artiste and structure would limit my creativity, I go where my muse leads blah… However, I now realise he was actually right (please don’t tell him).
The Makers Yearbook got me to reconsider my current habits with an objective eye. It’s set me on the right path, now all I need is to make small consistent steps in the right direction.
Starting this blog is the first of many such steps. Here I’ll take you behind the scenes, pass on anything useful I’ve learned, chat shit, promote makes and tell you about folks and things I love. I hope to do so weekly. I have a plan. It’s colour coded.
It’ll a while to develop my voice but I hope you’ll stick around. Join me while I make a mess, some art and many changes to Loose Lips Clothing.
Much love
Tiffany xox