Self love when self employed

Running a business can take over your life; full time; living where you work; 100's of miles from where all your friends live... The struggle is real.

While plugging away on something, showering is of secondary importance. Not going anywhere or to see anyone, why bother getting dressed? Why bother tidying the house? Exercising? Cooking with more than a cursory microwave service?

Because it will make you fucking miserable. Obviously.

When business is all you focus on, self worth inevitably gets tangled in it. Going badly? You feel shit. Feel shit? Less likely to  work. Combine comfort eating crap, rarely leaving the house and your only exercise is walking to the kettle or the loo? Your mood is going to plummet. It compounds itself in a spiral of misery, shame and apathy. Sound familiar or is it just me?

As with all things it's about balance and balance is fucking hard. I already knew this, hell, I've been medicated for this.

Balance requires separation. Think of it as a see-saw or pair of scales. You're the central pivot on which your work and life balance lives. Load up on work and life rockets off into the abyss.

Degrees of Separation

There are the key elements that when uncoupled, I believe help us achieve balance and ultimately happiness.

Things you make vs Your inherent Value

Firstly, you are not your work. It's classic bullshit plastered on inspirational photos the world over but it's true. You are more than your output. Someone doesn't like the shit you make? 'less they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.

The monetary value of the things you create is materials + expertise x time, end of. Your inherent value is not diminished because someone doesn't want to pay your rates. Don't waste time trying to impress them. Their distaste doesn't undermine the effort you put in, nor does it make you a horrible person. Worrying about them or changing yourself to please them will turn off the people that appreciate you for you.

Enjoyment vs Achievement

Enjoyment and Satisfaction are different. They do not always come hand in hand. A sense of achievement can satisfy even if the task undertaken was not enjoyable.

During my last bout of depression  I undertook Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). The exercise I found pivotal in combating my state of mind was 'Activity Monitoring'. Recording every activity I did during a week and marking out of 10 the sense of enjoyment or achievement I got from each.  The most satisfying days were those with a healthy balance of both. It allowed me to take credit for basic things that had become difficult, like having a shower or doing the washing up (high achievement, low enjoyment) and see the potential to do more with my time rather than binge watch Netflix (middling enjoyment, zero achievement).

As stated, I am prone to put work before everything else. To achieve success I must work around the clock to make it happen right? BIG NOPES. Reading through 'The Makers Yearbook' it was obvious working hard does not equal working smart. Reviewing the previous year questions like 'how are you feeling', 'did you eat well' and 'did you get enough exercise' made me realise how badly I was letting myself down. I can apply all I learned in CBT to now.

I love my work but when progress is slow, satisfaction can dwindle. I loathe washing up, yet enjoy a tidy kitchen. Time away from work is not necessarily wasted. I can puzzle out something whilst undertaking chores and return with renewed focus. Making great strides on the work I love with the added bonus of having achieved some housework. The fruits of this labour, will be enjoyed when I end the night without a pile of shit to clear up.

I adore cooking (and eating!). It's a double-combo of joy and satisfaction when I make the point to cook from scratch, versus the immediate and fleeting gratification of an oven pizza.

Exercise is toughest to achieve. Being mostly desk bound, I struggle to stay active. It's a far cry from running rampant in the Carved kitchen. I'm trying to combat it by adding weekly gym sessions into my routine. It's not for everyone so don't feel pressured to sign up for a gym. Exercise can be playing with your pet, dancing around the house or going for a walk. Most important is getting away from your desk and moving about. If I was on my own, I wouldn't bother. It's my boyfriend who motivates me. Even if I don't enjoy the gym whilst there, there is satisfaction in however many kilometres walked, cycled or stepped. Plus the rush of post-workout endorphins is nothing to be mad at.

Mundane but necessary tasks associated with existing can help provide a sense of achievement and enjoyment. The knock-on effect of these tasks like being in a tidy space, eating tasty food or getting some exercise are great mood boosters. I forgot it for a while but am heading for better habits.

Living space vs Working space

Couple of weeks ago I showed you behind the scenes of where I work. Too skint to afford a studio it all takes place at home. Learning from past mistakes I've made a conscious effort to not just work anywhere and everywhere. If you don't have separation between where you live and work, a dedicated work space inside your living quarters is of utmost importance. This helps you break up your day and maintain balance. Working in one place and relaxing in another allows for a complete break between modes. Whereas working on your sofa in front of your TV from morning to night means lingering between the two without achieving the maximum benefit of either. We need the physical separation to reflect our mental boundaries between work and play. Otherwise it all becomes entwined and y'know how that goes...

Self care vs Self interest

We've made great strides understanding mental health and the importance of looking after ourselves. However, self-care is not simply obsessive self interest. Bath bombs and face masks are not the be and end all of self-care (although these can go a long way). Self-love plus respect and accountability make for the most well rounded package.

Taking care of your physical well-being should be par for the course. Time spent away from work tasks is not necessarily wasted (see enjoyment vs achievement). It may seem easier said than done.

Fact. You would not treat another person working for you the way you treat yourself. You're your own worst critic and that makes a shitty boss. We rarely afford to ourselves the respect with which we treat others. Which makes zero sense. We are no less deserving. We have to learn to be kinder to ourselves. All you can do is your best. There are only so many hours in a day, plan them to the best of your ability. Sometimes plans go awry. That's fine, make new plans.

However, don't con yourself. You know when you're backsliding. Procrastinating when you should be focused. It's fine, we all do it. Learning to hold yourself accountable is part of effective self-care. I wrote about this realisation when I first received 'The Makers Yearbook'. I'm using this blog as a way to hold myself accountable because honestly, like many people I find it easier to hold myself accountable in a public forum. Which leads to the final necessary separation.

External energies: Positive vs Negative

Outside forces play an important role in helping me move forward. Self-love and care is really difficult - especially if like me, you're prone to negativity - which is why it's so important to have external support.

Love from outside yourself - springing from a personal connection whether it's a partner, friend, sibling or parent - can often help fill in the gaps in our own self-care regime. I planned a lot for January - too much - and inevitably didn't get it all done. I worked hard but was plagued with doubts. When sharing these fears with my partner he couldn't believe it. From his perspective I was charging forward, my productivity inspiring his own. Tending towards the negative as I do, it's vital having someone to counter that. Someone to talk to about anything. To sit with you and rationalise everything when you're spiralling. To cheer you on and celebrate with you when you're doing well... However, it's no good surrounding yourself with people that fawn all over you. Nothing to be gained from a bunch of folks blowing smoke up yer arse.

You also need someone who can give you tough love and a kick up the butt when you both know you're slacking. It is hard to find these people. In fact, they're not always the same person at all.

Freelancing/self employment/starting a business. It's a brave action and most people fail. Barely anyone makes it 3 years in. It scares people. This can reflect on how they treat you. Whether it's because they worry for you, or because they're envious of you having the balls to put yourself out there. You will find some people who - intentionally or not - piss on your bonfire.

This doesn't mean you should abandon them. These people can still be useful, if you trust that they have your best interests at heart. They may ask hard questions that you realise you need an answer to. This doesn't mean should surround yourself with them, or let them bully you. If you determine they wish you ill intent, then extract yourself. Toxic relationships whether romantic or platonic are draining. It's a case of honestly examining whether these people are malicious or just telling you something you don't want to hear. Balance the negative nellies with the evangelists (or find that rare soul who can do both).

I spent January trying to get into a better routine. In some ways I nailed it. I am shit hot at drafting blog posts and getting them live weekly. However, the home yoga sessions I had scheduled in? Moved or missed completely. Swings and roundabouts innit. It's a known fact that it do take nerve and 28 repetitions to embed a new habit. Far easier to replace existing habits than add new ones. The reason I've found it so easy to keep up with drafting posts, is that I subbed it in for watching TV. Where I used to get up, make a cuppa and drink it over an episode of something I now stare at my laptop and knock out a first draft. It can be terrible, it doesn't matter. Redrafting takes place over tea the following days. By Friday, the post is live.

I still suck at getting ready and work in my pjs far too often. What I do is messy, I don't want to dress up for it. We're currently without a washing machine so my clothing options are limited. Eventually I'll organise a work 'uniform' of sorts. Something that involves me transitioning from pjs but is not so swish I'll be sad if I chuck paint down it.

The likelihood of dropping paint down myself is how I've rationalised putting off showering...  Till I feel gross and want to shower but feel compelled by guilt to carry on working rather than waste time on myself. This is the hardest mindset to break. Some days I do better than others and that's fine. Progress is rarely linear. As long as the steps forward outweigh the steps back, I'll make it eventually. If not today, then tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Thus my final point. Separate last month, last week, last night from now, from tomorrow. What happened, has happened. It's done with. All you can do is move forward. The point at which you fail, is the point at which you stop trying.

This has been a long one but worth writing. If I've missed anything or you prefer less wordy updates, come find me on Instagram.

Much love,
Tiffany xo